Oct 30, 2007

All Hallow's Eve...Eve

Okay, we get it. Michael Vick is funny. Can we move on now?

Oct 29, 2007

Well, Duh...

Overshadowing the Boston Red Sox’s utter domination of the Colorado Rockies to capture their 2nd World Series crown in four years was news Sunday night out of New York that Alex Rodriguez and his agent Scott Boras have decided to leave 150 million on the table, and opt out of his contract. A lot of people seem shocked that A-Rod would choose this time to make his announcement, claiming that it took away from the focus on Boston. Seriously, this is surprising? From Scott “Mo Money, No Problems” Boras and Alex “My calendar only goes to September” Rodriguez? This reminds me of an old story I once heard:

A woman, walking through the forest during winter, happenend upon a near frozen snake in the snow. Leaning down, she picked up the snake, and said, “I want to save you, but I’m afraid you’ll bite me.” The snake replied, “I promise I won’t, I’ll be too grateful for you saving me.” The woman took the snake into her home, fed him, and nursed him to health. As she bent down to put him in bed, he bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the rescued snake why he had bitten her.

“Lady, you knew I was a snake.”

Alabama fans, you can go ahead and apply this tale to when Saban stabs you in the back in a few months.

Oct 25, 2007

Hasta La Vista, Part 2

Pumping Iron Division
Lifting weights, trying to become a contender.

15. Houston
Sage Rosenfels is not the answer, but Schaub is trying to come back as soon as possible. Good too, because I have a sneaking suspicion that if they can get healthy, this might be a pretty good team. The AFC South has been a literal battleground all season, with all four teams checking in the top 15 of my power rankings.

14. Cleveland
Will someone in the NFC North please stand up as a great team? Occasionally, the Browns look like a football team. Usually though, they look like the Browns. Aside from their remaining divisional games, they have a fairly weak schedule down the stretch, and have a chance to be a decent team. Thought I probably have them ranked too high, since I never know what the hell I’m talking about (See 2007 NFL Predictions/Weekly Picks).

13. Tampa
Jeff Garcia cannot carry this show all alone. He has looked great thus far (133-189, 7 tds, 0 picks), but the injuries to this team leave them on the outside of the elites. No running back and a banged up offensive line? Tough stuff to overcome. Still might win the weird NFC South.

12. Ravens
Bad offense, stellar defense, great at home, so-so on the road. Sound familiar? Like every other Ravens team for 10 years? Well, there is a difference this year. The established starter is being outplayed by the back-up; McNair or Boller?

11. Chicago
HOPE THEY KICK TO DEVIN HESTER!!! Actual excerpt from the weekly Bears offensive scouting report. The running game has been underwhelming with Cedric Benson carrying the load all alone this year, and they needed a 97-yard, no timeouts, touchdown drive out of Brian Griese to win last week. Wouldn’t count on it every week, though.

10. Washington
Curious to see how the leagues top secondary is going to fare against the Pats prolific passing attack (This blog brought to you by alliteration-nation.com). Jason Campbell is progressing as an NFL quarterback nicely, but they are in a power division in the NFC. They would be walking away with the West.

True Lies Division
Looking like legit team, but really a pretender.

9. Jacksonville
Should probably fall MUCH further after the loss of David Garrard on Monday night. You could tell Quinn had no plans on playing that night. His tentative schedule was looking cool on the sideline with the blacked-out visor for the duration of the game, followed by trolling for girls in downtown Jacksonville, and maybe showing up for film the next day. He hadn’t planned on getting picked on by Bob Sanders and co. all night.

8. Chargers
Dateline: Week 4. LDT finishes up the post-game press conference in tears, admitting that he didn’t know what could be done to turn the season around. While this Bolts team will win the AFC West (big deal), they won’t make any noise in the postseason…again. At least this time, they can’t blame Marty.

7. Titans
Kerry Collins actually looked good in relief duty for the injured Vince Young; if the Madden Curse holds, he better stay lose. Keith Bullock is having a career year, the rushing attack has looked good and consistent, and the quarterback has found a way to lead his team without doing too much through the air. Definite potential to move up the list with their upcoming schedule.

6. Green Bay
Did you know that Bret Favre has thrown more touchdowns than anyone in history? Did ya? Did ya? Too bad he can’t rush for them, they’re only real shortcoming. Eventually, someone is going to shutdown the passing attack, and they’re done. Or Bret Favre will remember that he’s 65, and they’re done. One of the two.

Predator Division
In the hunt to be considered the best

5. Giants
I am so confused by this team. I was ready to write them off when Tiki threw Eli under the bus, but they’ve bounced back nicely. Maybe Tom Coughlin has been replaced by a robot that actually cares for his players, maybe Plaxico not practicing is the only way he’s any good, maybe the G-Men just rallied around Eli. Okay, the third one is a stretch. Have fun across the pond picking on the Phins. Hey, they send us washed up David Beckham, we send them a bottom tier Week 8 game. Fair is fair.

4. ‘Boys
Similar team to Green Bay, but with an actual viable running game. Their main problem has been on the other side of the ball, where Roy Williams continues his career of playing more like a linebacker than a safety, and getting picked on by opposing QBs. If there was a highlight reel at the end of every season of pass plays over 30 yards, what percentage of them would include Roy Williams? 40? 45?

3. Steelers
I’m not as shaken on Tomlin’s guys after the Sunday night game as many others were. It may have been a really bad loss, with poor play calling, but the defense is still good, the running game is still out of control, and the passing attack still is able to throw up 3 or 4 touchdowns a game.

Conan the Barbarian Division
A step away from becoming king...

2. Colts
Defending champs with a dominant running game, resurgent defense, one of the best quarterbacks of all time, and the best receiving corps in the NFL. What’s keeping them from number one? Sadly, it has nothing to do with them, because they have been lights out all season.

Terminator Division
C'mon, we all knew how this was going to end.

1. Patriots
They’re the Colts on steroids. That one thing that the Colts were missing to keep them out of number one that I mentioned? Belichick and his boys have been on a mission since the whole Camera-Gate thing, and have found a better way to send a message to the League than a mass email with the team giving the middle finger. They have resolved to remove any modicum of doubt in the ability of their team by beating the collective pants off of everyone they play. They could play a high school team, and would only pull Brady once he broke 300-yards and 5 touchdowns. They are sending a message. Hope everyone else has been paying attention.


Indy (-7) over Panthers
Cleveland (-3) over Rams
Chicago (-5) over Detroit
Giants (-9.5) over Miami
Oakland (+7.5) over Tennessee
Minnesota (-1) over Philly
Pitt (-3.5) over Cincy
Buffalo (+3) over Jets
San Diego (-9.5) over Houston
Tampa Bay (-4) over Jacksonville
Nawlins (-3) over San Fran
(-16.5) over Washington
Green Bay (+3) over Denver

Hasta La Vista, Part 1

In recognition of the tough decisions that Governor Schwarzenegger has had to make during the current wildfires in San Diego, I have subdivided the NFL into divisions for my half-way power rankings. Each division is a Schwarzenegger classic film…I bet you can guess how it ends.

Raw Deal Division
Game. Over. There is no shot, and whether due to injury or bad deals, they are dead in the water.

32. Rams
Worst team in the league, and things aren’t looking to get any better. The only upside is they play in the worst division in the NFL, and might be able to sneak in a win before the end of the year. Probably not.

31. Phins
Things were bad before the Ronnie Brown injury. Things are worse now. Maybe they’ll win a game at one point, thought Sunday was incredibly bad. At least they aren’t playing a game in England this weekend. Oh. Damn. Here’s an actual text message sent from me to a friend on Sunday about the Miami-NE game:

Tom Brady finished 21-25, 6 TDs, 0 picks, and was knighted at midfield immediately following the game. I just made one of those stats up, can you tell me which?

His response:

He threw a pick?

30. Falcons
There’s actually a Byron Leftwich/Joey Harrington quarterback battle ongoing in Atlanta. Let that sink in for a while. What leadership vacuum? Oh, and cutting Grady Jackson? Marvelous way to look towards next year.

29. Bills
The J.P. Losman era has come to an end, as Trent Edwards hasn’t look half bad recently. But, apparently the Buffalo brass is looking at playing some games in Toronto next year, thereby making Willis McGahee’s joke from last season come true, and dooming them to this division.

28. Saints
2 wins against the lifeless Seahawks and the AWFUL Falcons. Too bad Duece went down, and they’ve gotten the city’s hopes up again. They’re still not very good, and they still won’t be winning many games.

Kindergarten Cop Division
There's no real chance of these teams making any moves later, but just like you'd think you wouldn't need a cop in a Kindergarten, you never know.

27. Niners
This is the best account of wasted talent all season. Frank Gore has been literally killing himself to make this team worth mentioning, but having Dilfer under center the last few weeks has not helped the cause. Alex Smith is apparently coming back this week to face down a pretty good NO pass rush, with a barely healed shoulder.

26. Arizona
I am not a believer. Every year, the Cardinals are the popular pick as everyone’s sleeper pick to be a decent team, its just that this year they’ve kept up the charade a lot longer than in years past. I am not a believer.

25. Jets
Is Chad Pennington done? Floating balls to the other team, I mean. Looks like the team is going to stick with him down the stretch, for better or worse. Who am I kidding, for worse.

24. Broncos
Congrats on an inspiring Sunday night win over the Steelers, but I’m still not convinced this team is any good. They haven’t been running well all year, Cutler has been more miss than hit this season, and the defense hasn’t stopped water on the ground. Why Pittsburgh didn’t just pound the ball on them with the AFC’s number 1 running attack is beyond me.

23. Raiders
What happened to the JaMarcus Russell sweepstakes? I’ve got a sneaking feeling that after the next four weeks (losses) we’ll be hearing a lot more about him in the quarterback situation out west.

22. Seahawks
What can I say about this Seattle team that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? Bombed out and depleated. One week they blow out the hapless Rams, and look ok, and the week before, they can’t muster a point in Pittsburgh. A note about Shaun Alexander: The only time he’s been any good and consistent has been a contact year for him. And this ain’t a contract year.

Scavenger Hunt Division
Looking for something, but they won't find it in time.

21. Lions
I have literally no idea about this team. They’re sitting at 4-2, but the two losses were by a combined 65 points. I think they’re 21, but maybe they’re 12. Who knows.

20. Chiefs
Okay, so they were right to get rid of Trent Green’s bobble headed self. They weren’t right to sit out Larry Johnson so long, and we’ll see how bringing Priest Holmes back plays out. They’re on top of the division, but they seem like garbage. Ugh.

19. Vikings
Okay, Adrian Peterson puts up the most yards ever against the Bears in week 6, and is rewarded with 12 carries the following week. What the hell kind of logic is this? Ladies and gentlemen, the NFC North.

18. Philly
OK, I am ready to admit it and be the last to turn on Mr. McNabb and admit it just doesn’t look good for the Illadelph this season. Westbrook has been predictably great, but the rest of the offense leaves way too much to be desired to consider their 2-4 start a ‘slow start’.

17. Carolina
I hate the NFC South. This is the second rated team I have on my list in the division, and they are hoping David Carr can bounce back from injury to start this week. Let me repeat that: THEY ARE HOPING DAVID CARR CAN BOUNCE BACK!!! Ugh.

16. Cincy
They’ve always been soft, up front and on defense, and this may be the softest we’ve ever seen from them. The firepower of Carson Palmer and their stable of ultra talented receivers keep them in most games, but out of the top half of my power rankings.

Oct 22, 2007

Mid-Range Jumpers

The leaves are a-changing, the weather’s starting to dip…but since I’m back in Atlanta, which means the local highs are only the mid 70s. It also means basketball season is right around the corner, and before we get to my preseason look at the Association, I get to welcome everyone back to the weekly (whatever) look at the sports world, where we celebrate the lost art of the Mid Range Jumper.

- Atlanta has been ‘rewarded’ with a WNBA team. Great, we can’t fill Turner Field, the Falcons stink, the Thrashers got their coach fired in 6 games, the Hawks are wearing blue, and our answer is to drop a JV team into the city. Just great.

- Marion Jones admitted to using performance enhancing drugs, and as commanded me by the sports gods, I shall deem her evil. Pure evil.

- Everyone has heard of Rocktober, and the amazing run that Colorado has been on. Why has no one brought up the fact that as they continued the run, the lead story EVERY NIGHT on the Worldwide Leader was about Joe Torre?

- Craig Hormann….Craig Hormann…Craig Hormann….Craig Hormann….

- Word from the shield is that they could one day play a Super Bowl overseas, in London. I could one day sprout wings and fly out of my office. Neither is very likely.

- Homecoming when I was playing was just another game, another Saturday, though it was nice to see some old teammates after the game. Homecoming as an alum is the greatest, most
perfect couple of days ever invented. It is Christmas, Hanukkah and my birthday all rolled into one, and I am counting the hours until next year.

- I wonder if Tatum Bell hangs out with his kids based on what he is wearing so that he can match them, like you would match shoes and a belt.

- Why did Belichik think he could get away with filming the Jets using a camera from 1977? Don’t they make tiny, spy type joints now?

- The SEC has been so nuts this year, UGA might be able to beat Florida next weekend. Maybe.

- USF? Really? Good riddance.

No one cares about Fantasy Football, especially when they aren’t in the discussed league, but I feel like ranting, so I’m going to: B, I feel so bad that you fell for the ruse. You cruised out to a big 6-0 start, made a decent trade, and got mad cocky on the message board. Going so far as to re-name your team Bill Belichik? Got a little ahead of yourself. Barring a serious injury to Peyton tonight, you’re finna take a big, streak ending L. Unlike the man you named your team after, you drank the Kool-Aid, and now you’re done.

If you achieve success, you will get applause, and if you get applause, you will hear it. My advice to you concerning applause is this; enjoy it but never quite believe it.

- Robert Montgomery

Oct 20, 2007

An Inconvenient Lie

Okay, I'm going to get serious for a minute. I warned that I could talk about anything on my mind, and this is bigger than sports:

Last week, it was announced that Al Gore would be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in informing the world of the ever-growing threat of ManBearPig. I mean, Global Warming. Whatever. Since this was in the aftermath of Homecoming, I wasn't sure I had actually heard this, but now that I know it happened, I felt the need to say something. I’m not saying that it is real, or if it isn’t, but I am saying that the planet has been around for well over 5 billion years, and has survived way more than we petty humans, and thinking that we can do serious damage to this little blue marble is the ultimate in human conceit.

The planet “Earth”, the silly name that we gave this little perfect oasis of life, has seen much worse than us in its existence. The planet has been through a lot worse than us, been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles...hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages. To think that we, humans, can hurt this place in only 200 years of heavy industry goes beyond conceit, and delves into psychosis.

Add into the fact that before recent years, we have had no dependable way to gauge the temperature of the planet until recently, and I have to call into doubt all the findings. I don’t know if its real, or not, and I don’t really care. My natural cynicism won’t let me be sucked into the hype of these claims, no matter how much I’m supposed to be. Sorry.

Oct 18, 2007

Week 7 Picks

Fantasy football has ruined the NFL for me. Since the Chargers are on a bye, LDT is on a bye, and I have to depend on Najeh Davenport and LenDale White to carry my running backs this weekend, and continue my 5 game winning streak. I’m cheering for so many different things this weekend, I’ve lost all track. I hate that I am ‘supposed to win according to the preview, I hate that I have to actively cheer for the Seahawks defense, and I hate that I’m actually writing about something that only matters to like 9 other people, the members of my league. Home team, as always, in bold.

Houston (+1.5) over Tennessee

Someone get Kerry Collins a drink. Seriously, is there any doubt about the Madden Curse at this point? This isn’t even a theory anymore, but a recordable, verifiable fact. Eddie George, Dante Culpepper, Marshall Faulk, Mike Vick, Ray Lewis, Donovan McNabb, Shaun Alexander. Sweet God, why would anyone agree to be on this cover at this point?

Baltimore (-3) over Buffalo

Once is an occurance, twice is a pattern. C’mon Billick, give me two covered spreads in two weeks! Display that offensive genius! Its only three points, do the good thing.

Dallas (-9.5) over Minnesota

We’ve spent all week hearing about how good Adrian Peterson is, and for good reason. The kid is a freak. But, it’s hard to run a whole lot down two touchdowns, and its hard to come back when Tavaris Jackson is an integral part in your vertical passing attack.

Tampa (+2) over Detroit

How is Jeff Garcia still flying under the radar? He carried the Eagles to the playoffs last year, and he has saved Gruden’s job in Tampa. And he’s getting 2 points against maybe the worst secondary on any level of football?

Washington (-8.5) over Arizona

Tim Rattay is terrible. Jason Campbell isn’t a world beater, but the team around him is WAY more than 8.5 points better than the Cardinals.

New Jersey A (-9) over Niners

I hate the Giants. They’re playing a bad team at home, and they’re coming off of blowing out the Falcons on Monday night, and I don’t feel comfortable picking them here. Is there something wrong with me, or with them?

Atlanta (+8) over The Ain'ts

I really don’t even care anymore, but Byron Leftwich is starting for the Birds on Sunday. Maybe he throws 4 touchdowns, maybe he throws 6 picks, maybe Bobby Petrino’s head explodes: Your 2007 Atlanta Falcons, anything can happen. I can only pray we still have the team heading into the bye week, and that we just don’t dissolve this debacle.

New England Terminators (-16.5) over Miami

Cleo Lemon. Terminated.

Kansas City (+2.5) over Oakland

I forgot how bad Oakland can look at times. Good thing last week reminded me.

Cincy (-6.5) over New Jersey B-Team

The Jets defense is laughable, and the Bungals need to win. Even Norv Turner couldn’t blow this. (Had to sneak in a Turner shot, since the Bolts have a bye. Love ya Norv!)

Chicago (+5.5) over Philly

DO NOT KICK TO DEVIN HESTER. How hard is that? Bears lose, but only by a field goal.

Seattle (-8) over Rams

St. Louis: Legimate threat to finish 0-16… Scott Linehan: Legitimate threat to replace Art Shell as the poster boy for Coaches in Carbonite.

Pittsburgh (-3.5) over Denver

The people of Colorado have used the Rockies to forget about the Broncos. A sentence I never thought I’d write. Why is this line so low? Haven’t the Broncos proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that they’re terrible? What do they need to do at this point?

Indy (-3) over Jacksonville

Ok, so I have been wrong about the Jags. The first two weeks they looked really bad, but since then, they’ve looked really very good. Not as good as the 5-0 defending World Champs, but good none the less.

Welcome To Rocktober

Though the title harkens to the amazing story of the 2007 Rockies (according the ESPN's Tim Kurkjian, perhaps the greatest story ever), the real story today is about how the Tribe is going to put the final nail in Bean-Town's baseball coffin tonight. Not because Manny doesn't care about this series, or because Sabathia isn't going to pitch poorly twice in a series. No, it's because Josh Beckett has to be rattled by the late change in National Anthem singers in Cleveland:

Country music artist Danielle Peck will sing the national anthem and "God Bless America" at tonight's Indians game. She will not sing, "Stand by Your Man." Peck, it turns out, dated Red Sox pitching ace Josh Beckett, who is starting tonight's do-or-die game against the Tribe and who handed them their only loss in the American League Championship Series. The Indians claim they had no idea of the love connection when they announced Tuesday that Peck would replace Taylor Swift as tonight's vocalist. "It's an incredible coincidence. Honestly," said Indians spokesman Bob DiBiasio. "This isn't another bug thing."

Aside from the fact that I have no idea who either Danielle Peck or Taylor Swift are, I think this is the lowest form of distraction that Cleveland could have attempted, and I love it. You have shipped in the ex-girlfriend of the opposing starting pitcher. I only hope Indy is taking note, and can ship in Bridget Moyanhan to sing the National Anthem when they play the Terminators. Or maybe she can be a sideline reporter...bonus points if she carries around Tom's baby while she does it. NFL picks later today.

Oct 15, 2007

Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money

Well, I did it. I survived my first Homecoming as an alumni, and apperntly with sound mind and body. At least, I am breathing and able to move. I think I may have permemantly wounded my soul though. It was good to visit NY again and see all my friends, and I have attempted to jot down some thank yous, so that while the effects of this weekend fade, the memories will not.

Thank you Todd and Ward for letting me keep my stuff in your apartment. Thank you Brekke for dragging me to Nike Town, and making us miss practice. Thank you Snake for the open bar, and thank you SeeBass for getting me thrown out for wearing the wrong shoes. Thank you Smorz for taking us to see an awesome funk band. Thank you Timmy for the funniest cab ride ever (Cash Cab/Abraham). Thank you Jake for being great. Thank you Scotty/Jens for buying meat, and forgetting the grill, and thank you Snake for letting us run out of beer before kick off. Thank you Rettke for the greatest shirts ever. Thank you ZBT for nothing. Thank you Bars for cutting your face open, and thank you Mr. Barsamian for the Mission Impossible run. Thank you Uzo for refusing to accept defeat. Thank you B for looking way up. Thank you Magazu for running up the stairs. Thank y0u Adrian for wearing the Varsity C sweater. Thank you Nu-Nu, Gamer, Schmidt, and SeeBass for 4th Quarter. Thank you Foz, cause I Got Got. Thank you Big Buck Hunter for the greatest game ever.

Thanks to everyone who accomodated the New York Nomad during his world tour.

Thank you Cannon's for everything.

Oct 12, 2007

Week 6 Picks

Apologies to my audience of thousands...hundreds...a few? OK, sorry mom and dad about the lateness of these picks. I decided to catch the flu this week, and in keeping with my life-theme of poor decisions, resolved to go ahead and visit NYC for Homecoming.

NBA season preview is coming, I promise, but here's the long and short of it: the more things change (trades, above pictured terrible new Hawks jerseys) the more they stay the same (West is still the best, Antoine Walker reported to camp last week out of shape). Home teams still in bold.

Philly (-3.5) over Jeresy B-Team

I can't name 3 players on the Jets defense, can you? Here are two teams that are better off playing on the road, since their fans seem to have turned on them before the mid-season point.

Tennessee (+3) over Tampa

All Vince Young does is win games. It isn't always pretty, it isn't always clean, but he always wins. Even when giving the Falcons 48 separate and distinct chances to win the game last week.

Houston (+6.5) over Jax

I'm sorry, but there's no way the Jags are more than a touchdown better than the Texans, right? Right?

St. Louis (-9) over Baltimore

This is a great game in the year 2000. A really great game. This is a weird game for me to pick, in that I still don't believe that Brian Billick knows how to cover a spread, but I also vowed never to pick the Rams this year. Decisions, decisions... For what its worth, I flip-flopped at least 10 times before deciding on this pick. There is no right answer because both teams have such strong cases to blow this. I'm going against the offense that has scored 1 touchdown in the last 10 quarters. I think.

Chicago (-5) over Minnesota

The Bears are back right? Such a dramatic come from behind victory HAS to mean they're back. At least, back enough to beat up the Vikings at home.

Fake Browns (-4.5) over The Fins

Just to clarify, the Trent Green Concussion Pool was originally a joke between me and two friends, and I suggested that Week 5 seemed to sound right. Now that it's happened, I'm kind of nervous to make any predictions regarding injury on anyone. This is a case of too much power, not nearly enough responsibility.

Packers (-3) over Washington

Did you know that Bret Favre is a warrior? Did ya?

Cincy (-3) over Chiefs

Marvin Lewis tends to do really well coming off of bye weeks. Especially against inferior teams that overpaid a running back and has only one viable offensive threat...DWAYNE BOWE.

Arizona (-4.5) over Vinny

Jake Delhomme - done. David Carr - didn't practice Wednesday. Vinny - starting qb for the Panthers, who have played fewer games as a franchise than Vinny has in the NFL for his career. Aaron Brooks is on line one.

Oakland (+9.5) over San Diego

I never thought I would see a coaching match-up where the 13 year old is the clear favorite, but I forgot he had to play Norv. I'm sorry, but watching San Diego picking on a bad Denver team just isn't convincing.

New England Terminators (-5.5) over Dallas

Film. This. Not the game, but that is the message that Belichick and boys seem to be sending to the league, nay, the world. The best part of me coming back to NY is picking up the Post, to look at the lines on the games, and seeing that the New York Media has decided to put an asterisk next the the Pats in the standings.

Seattle (-6.5) over America's former favorite story

Shouldn't the NFL be allowed to switch this and the Dallas game? Doesn't that just seem fair to everyone? The Saints are eventually going to win a game. This isn't that game.

Jersey A-Team (-3.5) over Falcons

Oh, good. The Birds are on MNF, where we can be embarassed nationally. Awesome. We honestly haven't looked that bad throughout our first few games, but we always seem to find a way to blow a winnable game (see: Titans game). Maybe Joey will stay at home and let Joe show up again. I can dream right.

Oct 3, 2007

Week 5 Picks

I feel like Norv Turner. Everything is falling apart around me, there seems to be no way to stop the slide, and all the blame falls directly on my shoulders. I’ve just got to remember that we’re only in week 5, that things really can’t get worse, and I’ve got to block out the fans chanting Marty at home games. I don’t even want to pick this week, but the show must go on. Even if the ‘show’ is a glorified snuff film of any hopes of credibility I had speaking about football.

Home teams still in bold.

Arizona (-3) over Rams

I don’t know what to tell you. Stephen Jackson’s still out, and they just announced that Bulger will not be playing this Sunday. In his stead, Gus Frerotte. Like fellow former Broncos quarterback Brian Griese, Frerotte is never the answer. The question does not matter.

New England Terminators (-16.5) over Cleveland

I picked against them in Buffalo 2 weeks ago, because I thought there was no way that a team would allow Moss to pick them apart after his first two games. I forgot that when he is motivated and has an actual quarterback, there is no one in the world who can keep him out of the end zone.

Carolina (+3) over The Ain’ts

Are the Saints favored just because they’re at home, or because David Carr will be starting for the Panthers in his silly white gloves? I have negative faith in the Panthers, but after watching the Saints lose their heart and soul when Duece went down, I gotta take the points.

New Jersey A (-3.5) over New Jersey B

Mayhem in the Meadowlands! Since there is a fake idea of who is home, how weird is it going to be for the Jets to dress in the visitor’s locker room? I’ll be it will almost be as weird as Pennington getting booed at home and on the road at the same time.

Pittsburgh (-6) over Seattle

I gotta believe that the loss last week was the product of the knowledge that Russ Grimm and Ken Whisenhunt had about the team. I also got to believe that the NFC West is awful. Just awful.

Detroit (+3.5) over Washington

Neither one of these teams have knocked my socks off, as the most inspiring thing about the Skins has been their defense, and the most inspiring thing about the Lions has been their offense, but neither have run into a monster counterpart. I think this’ll be a good, close game. Or a blowout. The lesson as always is, I have no idea what I’m doing.

Houston (-5.5) over Miami

The Dolphins are a legitimate threat to go 0-17, after getting embarrassed at home by the Ray-Duhrrs. (P.S. – This is my picked week for Green to go down with the concussion, and while I wish injury on no one, if he breaks the pocket, and DeMeco Ryans is on the field, I’m a mortal lock to win.)

Atlanta (+8) over Tennessee

What kind of grown man goes by Joey? I think I have more confidence in a man going by Joe. Don’t you? Regarding my pick, aside from my notes a few weeks ago about Vince-era win margins, look at Mr. Harrington’s numbers for the past two weeks versus the first two:

Weeks 1-2: 35-52, 399 yds, 0 tds, 2 ints
Weeks 3-4: 54-73, 584 yds, 4 tds, 0 ints

All I’m saying, is Weeks 1 and 2, we saw Joey, and the last two weeks, we’ve seen Joe. Here’s hoping Joe shows up Sunday.

Kansas City (+2) over Jacksonville

I honestly have no idea about these teams. Normally, I love teams coming off of bye weeks, but I have to give the nod to the Chiefs for the greatest fantasy pick-up of all time for me, Mr. Dwayne Bowe!

Indy (-10) over Tampa

Week 3, I said that if a team loses their left tackle, and then plays on the road and I still pick them to cover, shoot me in the head. That goes for double if they lose their running back too.

Denver (+1) over San Diego

Anytime your best player is crying in the press conference after a Week 4 loss, the season is over. Although it will be interesting to see the chess match that is Mike Shanahan versus Norv Turner.

Baltimore (-3) over San Fran

Wait a minute. Trent Dilfer is a favorite in a football game in 2007? Really? Wow.

Green Bay (-3) over Chicago

In Lambeau, at night, on national television. I’m actually concerned that John Madden could have a heart attack; I just hope he makes it through the halftime ceremony where Chris Berman officially proposes to Favre. I may mute this entire game. Or even watch baseball. It’s that bad.

Dallas (-10) over Buffalo

Who booked this game? At what point was this a legitimate good idea to put on Monday Night? Where is the compelling match-up in this game? Isn’t this why they got a flexible schedule for these games? And when are the ‘Boys going to play a good team? Hello, New England Terminators, Week 6.

Oct 2, 2007


Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Apparently, it was open season on any semblance of a pick that I made last week. If gambling were legal, and I had placed actual bets on these ‘games’, I would be typing this from a gutter, next to Winston Justice’s future NFL aspirations. Rather than just accept my fate, and move on, I have chosen to quickly rehash just what happened to me this past weekend.

Picks-wise I mean, my personal life is my personal life, and I’d ask you not to pry.

Pack at Vikings

I can’t always be wrong. Law of averages.

Oakland at Miami

Apparently, Dante Caulpepper’s knee is fine. Who knew?

Jets at Buffalo

Trent Edwards? Really?

Houston at Atlanta

I stand by my decision to pick against my favorite team. Though Joe Harrington’s performance the last two weeks (54-73, 4 TDs, 0 INTS) raises my hopes back to cautiously non-pessimistic.

Chicago at Detroit

Yeah, Brian Griese is never the answer, I don’t care what the question is.

Baltimore at Cleveland

They weren’t gonna cover, but I figured they’d at least win. Jeez.

St. Louis at Dallas

That’s three wins for me out of the first seven games. Prepare to see that percentage drop considerably as we go on.

Tampa Bay at Carolina

Hey, maybe it’s not as bad as I thought.

Seattle at San Fran

Shoot, I didn’t do half bad…what do you mean, there were four more games in the day?

Kansas City at San Diego

The thing that kills me, is that when I talked about the game, I pointed out how ridiculously high the line was. And I still picked the Chargers to cover. The lesson, as always, is that I have no idea what I’m doing.

Pittsburgh at Arizona

Kurt Warner and Matt Lienart, quarterbacking by committee? Really?

Denver at Indy

When Harrison went down, I talked myself into thinking that Peyton might not blow them out. Unfortunately, I also couldn’t remember the last time the Colts didn’t blow out the Broncos. Dammit.

Philly at Giants

I already kind of made fun of that poor left tackle, but seriously, did Andy Reid have money on the game? How can you not at least chip the end to help out rookie against the All-Pro? Here are some great quotes from the aforementioned All-Pro:

It was like a video game out there.
- Osi Umenyiora, Honest Man

Winston Justice is a very good football player. Tonight was just one of those nights. He'll learn from that experience.

- Osi Umenyiora, Liar

New England at Cincinnati