Oct 25, 2007

Hasta La Vista, Part 1

In recognition of the tough decisions that Governor Schwarzenegger has had to make during the current wildfires in San Diego, I have subdivided the NFL into divisions for my half-way power rankings. Each division is a Schwarzenegger classic film…I bet you can guess how it ends.

Raw Deal Division
Game. Over. There is no shot, and whether due to injury or bad deals, they are dead in the water.

32. Rams
Worst team in the league, and things aren’t looking to get any better. The only upside is they play in the worst division in the NFL, and might be able to sneak in a win before the end of the year. Probably not.

31. Phins
Things were bad before the Ronnie Brown injury. Things are worse now. Maybe they’ll win a game at one point, thought Sunday was incredibly bad. At least they aren’t playing a game in England this weekend. Oh. Damn. Here’s an actual text message sent from me to a friend on Sunday about the Miami-NE game:

Tom Brady finished 21-25, 6 TDs, 0 picks, and was knighted at midfield immediately following the game. I just made one of those stats up, can you tell me which?

His response:

He threw a pick?

30. Falcons
There’s actually a Byron Leftwich/Joey Harrington quarterback battle ongoing in Atlanta. Let that sink in for a while. What leadership vacuum? Oh, and cutting Grady Jackson? Marvelous way to look towards next year.

29. Bills
The J.P. Losman era has come to an end, as Trent Edwards hasn’t look half bad recently. But, apparently the Buffalo brass is looking at playing some games in Toronto next year, thereby making Willis McGahee’s joke from last season come true, and dooming them to this division.

28. Saints
2 wins against the lifeless Seahawks and the AWFUL Falcons. Too bad Duece went down, and they’ve gotten the city’s hopes up again. They’re still not very good, and they still won’t be winning many games.

Kindergarten Cop Division
There's no real chance of these teams making any moves later, but just like you'd think you wouldn't need a cop in a Kindergarten, you never know.

27. Niners
This is the best account of wasted talent all season. Frank Gore has been literally killing himself to make this team worth mentioning, but having Dilfer under center the last few weeks has not helped the cause. Alex Smith is apparently coming back this week to face down a pretty good NO pass rush, with a barely healed shoulder.

26. Arizona
I am not a believer. Every year, the Cardinals are the popular pick as everyone’s sleeper pick to be a decent team, its just that this year they’ve kept up the charade a lot longer than in years past. I am not a believer.

25. Jets
Is Chad Pennington done? Floating balls to the other team, I mean. Looks like the team is going to stick with him down the stretch, for better or worse. Who am I kidding, for worse.

24. Broncos
Congrats on an inspiring Sunday night win over the Steelers, but I’m still not convinced this team is any good. They haven’t been running well all year, Cutler has been more miss than hit this season, and the defense hasn’t stopped water on the ground. Why Pittsburgh didn’t just pound the ball on them with the AFC’s number 1 running attack is beyond me.

23. Raiders
What happened to the JaMarcus Russell sweepstakes? I’ve got a sneaking feeling that after the next four weeks (losses) we’ll be hearing a lot more about him in the quarterback situation out west.

22. Seahawks
What can I say about this Seattle team that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? Bombed out and depleated. One week they blow out the hapless Rams, and look ok, and the week before, they can’t muster a point in Pittsburgh. A note about Shaun Alexander: The only time he’s been any good and consistent has been a contact year for him. And this ain’t a contract year.

Scavenger Hunt Division
Looking for something, but they won't find it in time.

21. Lions
I have literally no idea about this team. They’re sitting at 4-2, but the two losses were by a combined 65 points. I think they’re 21, but maybe they’re 12. Who knows.

20. Chiefs
Okay, so they were right to get rid of Trent Green’s bobble headed self. They weren’t right to sit out Larry Johnson so long, and we’ll see how bringing Priest Holmes back plays out. They’re on top of the division, but they seem like garbage. Ugh.

19. Vikings
Okay, Adrian Peterson puts up the most yards ever against the Bears in week 6, and is rewarded with 12 carries the following week. What the hell kind of logic is this? Ladies and gentlemen, the NFC North.

18. Philly
OK, I am ready to admit it and be the last to turn on Mr. McNabb and admit it just doesn’t look good for the Illadelph this season. Westbrook has been predictably great, but the rest of the offense leaves way too much to be desired to consider their 2-4 start a ‘slow start’.

17. Carolina
I hate the NFC South. This is the second rated team I have on my list in the division, and they are hoping David Carr can bounce back from injury to start this week. Let me repeat that: THEY ARE HOPING DAVID CARR CAN BOUNCE BACK!!! Ugh.

16. Cincy
They’ve always been soft, up front and on defense, and this may be the softest we’ve ever seen from them. The firepower of Carson Palmer and their stable of ultra talented receivers keep them in most games, but out of the top half of my power rankings.

1 comment:

DNasty said...

Where the F is the rest of the league you sand bagger?